By Hannibal Giudice, Astrologer/Futurist
March, 2003
I shot an arrow into the air, It fell to earth, I knew not where…H.W.Longfellow
There comes a time when we should all lighten up and there's no time like the present. We have only one straight arrow in this month's quiver, but, true to our name, that too will wander off to the witty since our bow is strung with 50% silly putty. We'll try that one straight shot on the subject of Politics, but trying to hit what is often a circus of cacophonous clowns, is a tough moving target. Finally, it's time to introduce the character of the quasi-legendary Dr Zod, The 10,000 Year Olde Astrologer, who'll fashion all remaining arrows from the ancient funny bones of the non-extinct Humanasaurus Duffus. "Life, is too damn important to be taken seriously," cries the cosmic curmudgeon, as he takes no prisoners in his major life's mission - to flip a banana peel under every Sign in the Zodiac.
American Politics
Politics in this neck of the woods has always been like the War of The Roses; neither side ever comes out smelling like one. As ridiculous and comical as things have been at times throughout America's political history, they've finally degraded to asinine. The way the political game has degenerated has reached a point where it will force a fundamental change in the years ahead first and foremost in the entire election system. This will have to involve a constitutional amendment, as the present system cannot be repaired with current legislative attempts at election reform, however well intended. This is not to say that present efforts should be abandoned in the interim, it's just that the basic structure needs to be rebuilt from the ground up - reformulated from the foundation of the spirit of the original intent - in light of its lack of fulfillment in today's information infrastructure. A major change of this order is still quite a way off, possibly starting when Pluto begins to transit Capricorn during the next decade and into the 2020's. As I've mentioned before, when America makes a mistake, it's a big one that deteriorates over a long period of time and teaches a big lesson the hard way. Slavery was just one, and this is certainly one as well. Inevitably, at some point in the not so distant future, America will wake up and fully appreciate the full implications of the fact that...
We've got the best politicians money can buy!
Cogitate the undisputed fact that office holders on a national and most state levels have to spend fifty percent of their time accumulating money and running for the next election. (At least, that's what they reluctantly admit.) We are hiring/electing people for a major job assignment of enormous responsibility and grave consequence to our social and economic fortunes, and the affairs of a troubled world. And yet, how much could we expect of any employee that has to spend fifty percent of their working day sending out resumes and cutting deals for their next job? How much honest work can an employer expect in that remaining fifty percent "work time" when our elected employee's job assignments intimately impacts folks who financed them in the first place, and are busy bankrolling their next? And what of the ones first entering the hallowed halls? Was money the final criteria for their arrival? Do we really expect loyalty solely to all the people who pay the office holder's "basic" salary or at least, to the people in the party who elected them? The majority of those holding office at the present time would be out of work if just this one problem were to be remedied. In my opinion, the bulk of the crop in all parties is a sad representation of the capacity for excellence in leadership and governance that exists, untapped in American society. America will have to rethink the entire basis of its election process and the role that money plays in subverting the very foundation of intent of a free election. What should the amount of money a candidate can "accumulate" to run for office have to do with their qualification for a legislative position? Are we really interviewing our job candidate, or their spin-doctors and bankers? Eventually it will be realized that publicly funded, intelligently managed election procedures are infinitely cheaper than maintaining the status quo. The basic political issues and positions would be refreshingly reformulated as well. Every once in a while the public needs to be reminded that it does own the airwaves, for example. There have been some creative solutions put forth that would guarantee free speech for all candidates, yet few (and certainly no major politician) have had the courage to take on this challenge. The constitutional restructuring of the election system under a publicly governed protocol will probably not occur until the next decade. There a numerous reasons why there is such overwhelming voter apathy, and the reasons are not all, as some political elitists would suggest, reflective of an increasingly indifferent and ignorant public. We'll have to rethink the value, in a democratic election process, of the competition of ideas and qualifications vs. money and media machines. The operation of a truly free election should be as precious and fundamental as freedom of speech. Most folks have enough common sense to know this isn't government of the people, by the people and for the people. The current communication transformation with Pluto in Sagittarius, will serve as a basis of, and later manifest as governmental transformation when Pluto transits Capricorn beginning in the next decade. Considering the fact that the last time Pluto visited Capricorn was as far back as during the American Revolution, I've no doubt we'll be dealing with the most dysfunctional issues that impede proper governance, on a scale equivalent with the last transit. The election system is at the top of the must fix list and at the bottom of most of the political paralysis that has slowly and inexorably eroded the public's confidence in our political system.
The Electoral College is an infected appendix in the body politic.
There are more problems that have been gradually eroding confidence in the election process since its inception in the 1790's that must be addressed in the future if such political paralysis is to be avoided. One of these, the Electoral College, is what I like to call the ghost of the Founding Fathers' worse nightmares. The rationale surrounding its creation lost its relevancy long ago. This is neither a "college" nor any longer "accredited", and definitely one of the systems that will have to be scrapped. The Electoral College has been running a low-grade fever since the Hayes vs. Tilden election of 1876. A couple more close presidential elections in the future like the last one could trigger a spike in its white blood cell count and a trip to the emergency room.
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America will eventually be forced to recognize the nearly impossible predicament politicians are in to begin with - regardless of ideology. And this says a lot about the kind of people we're likely to attract in the first place. Politicians, for the most part, are neither dedicated leftists nor rightists; they're just dedicated to hanging on to their jobs (and all that goes with it) at all costs. Unfortunately the taxpaying voters, in what amounts to a very expensive yet tragically entertaining three-ring circus of pretentious partisan politics, pick up that final "cost". Too many have succeeded, stripped of any deep sense of self-respect and desperately try to overcompensate with a self-righteous political posture that undermines any attempt at compromise and responsible governance. Of course it's serious business, but it's also seriously funny.
"After food, sex and politics, astrology is mankind's oldest fascination."
Jayj Jacobs, Astrologer
Unfortunately, most folks get caught up in the heat of partisan debate to the point of irrational exaggeration that will inevitably look foolish in a couple of decades. If you want a laugh yourself silly, skip through the pages of the history of American politics. It's a wonder that there were enough statesmen (or those that rose to that temporary status) at critical moments that managed to stave off the damage that was being concocted by the overwhelming number of good ole fashioned pocket picking politicians - from all parties. And yet, throughout America's "brief" history, the political high jinks churning around the rest of the globe were hardly sweet cream and strawberries either. It's uniquely human that whatever fascinates us also cracks us up. Methinks it's time to take my own swipe at politics and, (ala Zod) slip a ripe banana peel under #4 on Jacobs list. It's our own version of a "Jacobs Ladder," and it gets funnier each step up the rung. Astrology is about life and life is damn funny, sometimes a riot, even. Starting with the politics...
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While I obviously consider political science to be of vital importance, a life-long study has convinced me to not analyze issues that have been politicized in terms of sophomoric partisan propaganda. There's enough truth to go around to be sifted from all parties - sifted from the caca de toro, which is in infinitely greater abundance. I do have a high regard for the office, not necessarily the holder. Dearhearts, methinks we should not take everything that goes on in the political arena so seriously as to lose our most prized possession, our sense of humor.
Democracy is where everyone is the landlord and argues about how to run the place.
Fight the good fights but keep your wit about you lest you lose your wits altogether.
And, speaking of witless and against every remaining fragment of better judgment, it's time now to introduce you to the legendary...
Dr Zod - The 10,000 Year Olde Astrologer
Long ago, from a galaxy far awry, Dr Zod was summoned by the Big Guy in the Sky to assist in bringing the new and improved models of the astrological signs to planet earth. Until that time, earth was the insane asylum for the Milky Way galaxy and the Big Guy thought it was time to spruce up the place. Tragedy struck when Zod dropped one of the signs the Big Guy was installing around the belt of the zodiac and he lost the 13th sign. Most catastrophic for Zod since the 13th was his very own sign and unless he finds it, he can't return to his home planet, Wazoo, located way up in the far reaches of his galaxy. Needless to say, the Big Guy has yet to return his phone calls. So it has thus come to pass (hey, this is a tale of biblical proportion) since that fateful day, that his second most important life's mission has been to fulfill his "Quest For The Lost Sign." The most important one is still the one about the banana peel under the Signs.
Zod frolics mainly in the 4th dimension and "zaps" into some poor fool in the 3rd whenever he feels like starting an astrologer's riot, some hoochie coochie, or is low on prunes. Hannibal, unfortunately, was mistakenly chosen as the zapee for Zod's current round of physical intarnations. Apparently, our visiting clumsy cosmonut bumbled his interdimensional zapper again. He was looking for another Hannibal in another age and a free elephant ride across the Alps. Unnamed sources insist he was headed for a hot date in Rome with a hoochie coochie dancer named Buttica Rotunda. Zod roundly denies ever having anything to do with Rotunda. "I don't kiss and tell anyway - do you think I could have possibly lasted this long if I did?"
Reputed to be history's most prominent unrenowned genius, Zod is an astrology consultant, teacher, author, and the world's first stand-up astrolosopher. Undercover advisor (claims he does his best work under the covers) to all the greats since the dawn of time, he can still recall when the Dead Sea barely had a slight fever. His latest book, "You Were Born On A Rotten Day" has left the reviewers so speechless, they're still incapable of writing a single word which Zod proudly proclaims is "mute testimony!" Known to his students as the "All Seeing Eye Patch," Zod's unique insights into the unspoken, hidden "facts" about the 12 Astrological Signs has received critical acclaim from his professional associates throughout the centuries. In fact, they've all been quite critical about everything he's done since he showed up.
A legend in his own mind, Zod's basic theory is that without the Lost Sign, the others screw up every 13th time they do anything, which he maintains is the true origin of the unlucky number 13. Pointing out this historical lie to Zod is pointless. "What you think is a lie is just a weird truth that ain't happened yet!" So, on every 13th spin of the wheel, whenever they make a mess of themselves, he strips their cosmic cloaks off to the wash, and the Doctor of Astronudeology exposes their naked facts. Be forewarned, Zod is not for the faint of heart or the thin of skin.
By Dr Zod
Alright, class, listen up. Anyone caught talking, remember, I've got the dirt on all your great-great grandparents and press connections. Speaking of dirt and, on with today's topic, this is the stuff you'll never hear from those other butt kissing, Johnny/Jane-come-lately astrologers. It's a brief run down; there's just so much time before the prunes start kicking in.
Aries
I am
The Zodiac starts with Aries and already we're off to a lousy start. Talk about pushy! "Hey, I'm walking here!" They get bent out of shape if anything from a mountain to your grandmother just happens to be in the way of where they're headed. "Next time, look where I'm going!" It's no big surprise their favorite color is red; just look at the trail of frustrated red faces, body rashes and pimples they leave scattered behind. There are no rear view mirrors in their bible. "I am...first, which means that before me there was nothing so why look back?" Their concept of communication is, "It's a two way street, I talk and you listen. And don't bother answering, I already thought of what you're gonna say." Don't believe all that astrology propaganda about them being passionate lovers. Aries idea of foreplay is stripping to the One Note Samba in half time. Sex for them is a profoundly religious experience though. The missionary position is sacred and any show of the submissive for them is of the devil. They're in charge and on top of things and you damn well be grateful. If not, they'll slap on their helmet, mount their motorcycle and track down the next virgin. Aries women are men trapped in women's bodies. Both sexes are as monogamous as a machine gun.
Speaking of guns, their best personal career choice is in the military. Big shock? The second best choice for everybody else is forest ranger where we don't have to deal with them and, hopefully, many will be eaten by near sighted bears in estrus. The third choice should satisfy everyone. Race driver would give them an adrenalin fix, entertain the crowd and again, further reduce their numbers with a few chain collisions. My best advice is to keep all sharp or pointed objects out of their reach at the full moon. Aries rules the head, which is why you should never butt heads with them. Theirs is filled with 100% lead, which is obviously the reason for the poisoning of the mental process. "Duh" is an Aries baby's first word. All parents of Aries children should encourage them to go out in the street and play with traffic as early as possible and introduce their teenagers to the thrill of skydiving. This will further eliminate the necessity of a lot of dangerous future career choices. At the very least they should support their independent, pioneering spirit and tell them that history's greatest heroes all ran away from home at an early age. If you want their cooperation, lie and make them think it was their brilliant idea in the first place, and that you've finally given in and they win. Works like a charm. Any Sign whose favorite plant is a thorn bush should have restricted access to the gene pool anyway. Aries says "I am," which for them also means "and you ain't." I could go on but I'm getting a headache already.
Taurus
I have
Here comes moneybags with a potbelly. The only thing they're not too lazy to do is collect the rent. Otherwise it's "What now, can't you see I just settled down here last week?" The first Taurus in college wrote his thesis on "Sleep, The True Total Consciousness." Rumor has it they were door stops in a previous life. Many have been known to stay in one spot so long they took root and became a tree. Then they turned into petrified wood, which, come to think of it, makes a terrific looking door stop. Taurus' are great at parties as long as you lock the refrigerator and bedrooms or you'll never get rid of them. Communication is mainly through nasal grunts and mumbles which impresses your guests into thinking they're schmoozing with a rehabilitating French soccer star. They are quite romantic and ready for sex at any time...with or without you. Admittedly, the bull's celebrated endurance is no lie. Half of the time they don't even know their partner's not there any more. The other half, their partner can't tell whether they're still awake. "I'm not sure how it happened, one minute I was asleep, the next minute I woke up pregnant." A back scratch or a "pull my little finger" joke counts as foreplay. They're not too particular about any one sexual position, "just settle down with one and stop fidgeting, damn it!" They're loyal and steadfast monogamists and many will even rename their blow up sex dolls after you. Incurable romantics!
The ideal Taurus career is Store Owner with a vegetable garden, pigpen, and grapevines out back. They also make good stockbrokers and bankers as long as they get the velvet lazy boy recliner and a secretary that makes chocolate chip cookies. Taurus is an earth sign and their favorite sport is mud wrestling, where they can combine eating and sex at the same time. "Earth...earthlings...chocolate chip cookies...what's the difference when you're having fun?" They're particularly fond of anything soft and mushy and has a distinct odor, which makes it very likely they will fall in love with themselves. Most folks mistake their semi-comatose state as "mellow" and "affectionate" until they watch them throw one of their monster hissy fits. My advice is to let them wear themselves out; sooner or later, they'll get dizzy and hungry. Just don't feed them when they're dizzy if you've got a weak stomach. It's a well-kept secret that most mass murderers and IRS auditors were born under the sign of the bull. They may seem smarter than Aries but don't buy it, they memorize everything with subliminal tapes during their sacred "dream time." Taurus children have to be trained to not eat yellow snow and to differentiate between dining and grazing but, otherwise are easy to watch since they don't move much. This also makes them easier to hit, which may explain why so many grow up to be mass murderers. Taurus says I have, which for them really means I have gas and I will use it if you don't stop annoying me.
Gemini
I think
Gemini's are born with enlarged craniums, stuffed with chicken feathers. They are also the Sign most prone to cranial fecal impaction. (That's doo doo on the brain for the dummies.) They keep talking long after they've run out of anything that makes a lick of sense and most often wind up strangled by a Taurus. A conversation with a Gemini is an amusing group experience since they're all either schizophrenic, bi-polar, or multiple personalities. The DNA mapping project is complete and we now have definite confirmation that the jumping bean gene, responsible for ADD, is found exclusively in the Sign of the Twins. Gemini rules the speech and hands and their unique abilities make them expert pick pockets, airline reservation clerks, used car salespersons, circuit preachers, and all other occupations that require mental and physical agility combined with a complete absence of morals. "There's no fun in truth, that's for sissies who can't handle a fat juicy lie." Making whoopee with them is like stepping into an old Rube Goldberg cartoon. It seems like the object of the sex game is to find every conceivable cockamamie way to get Tab A to eventually kahblunk into Slot B. Sex with the lights on is a must if you want to avoid serious injuries. But, being bisexual does give them a high scoring ratio and their versatility is enviable. I ask you, what other sign can have a ménage a tois with only two people? It should be apparent by now that sex with a Taurus is out of the question, otherwise there wouldn't be any of them left alive. Gemini's incurable curiosity leaves them wide open to any erotic suggestion with no boundaries, from animate to inanimate objects, assteroids, aliens, leftover pizza, or their own unique specialty, mutual mental masturbation.
First choice for an occupation has got to be a paparazzo with half interest in a costume shop (think about it). The sky's the limit career wise, as long as it utilizes their special information/communication talents and would piss off even Mother Theresa. Telephone solicitor, computer hacker, neighborhood gossip columnist, carnival barker, public address announcer in airports, malls - you name it, they can fake it. Parents of Gemini children often wind up heavily sedated in mental institutions. But they're irresistibly charming while growing up with all those tales about their evil twin who ran up the $15,000. long distance phone tab. And what other kid can keep the family spellbound with 78 verses of "Doing That Crazy Hand Jive?" My advice is use lots of duct tape over the mouth and about the hands and feet and keep them away from sugar and caffeine. If that doesn't work try folding them in half - don't worry, they're flexible - and submerging them in the tub until the bubbles stop. Then, while they're gasping for air, pop down a half bottle of Valium, reseal with duct tape, then finish the bottle yourself and start practicing for your old age. Tutti Frutti is both their favorite ice cream and Rock and Roll classic. It's also a term used to identify the space between their ears. Their motor mouth and pinball brains are in perpetual motion - they're the only sign that can think out of both sides of their mouth. Most astrologers agree they are ambidextrous but what they don't tell you is that means they can chew Doublemint gum and double-talk you at the same time. As soon as Gemini says I think, you have two seconds. One to grab your earplugs and the other, your wallet, or you're a goner.
Well, it was bound to happen, the prunes kicked in just at the same time we ran out of space. Take a recess and we'll start stripping the rest of the Signs in the next issue. In the meantime,
Be goof to yourselves,
Dr Zod